This is my second year living alone, all by myself. When I first decided to live alone, I was little bit sceptical with myself, scared also. I always have someone or friends to help me do things or going somewhere, so living alone gonna be hard for me, or at least thats what I thought.
Little bit I know, I DO enjoy living all by myself. It is good when one or two friends come to visit, having cups of coffee but hell yeah, I am totally enjoying the moments with my ownself. It teaches me hell lots of things, from taking my own time finishing my meals to changing the bulb.
BENEFITS OF LIVING ALONE
Since there is no one to talk to, I often find me talking to my ownself which is good for me to connect deeper with myself. I know myself better, I realise what I like or hate better. I can have whole day connecting to my old soul.
I can have anyone that I want to come over at anytime I want. True as fuck! Since I do not have to actually considered either my roommates/housemates feel comfortable or not, or whether they can get along or not. Make some noise~ and no housemates will yell at you, except for your neighbours.
I can let the place as mess as my heart desires to. I also can clean it at my own times, no nagging no angry remarks from others. I can even decor it the way I want. Believe me, I got Luhan’s and Xiumin’s photos everywhere. Bless my soul.
Being content alone with myself. Now, I can go to cafes alone and actually enjoy my coffees while catching up with my books, or just ‘people-watching’.
I become more independant. I can go anywhere without waiting for a friend to free her times to accompany me. I can change the light bulb without being a maiden in distress.
I learnt to take care of myself better since I cant afford to get sick, shit theres no one to look after me at home. I do not prefer people see my ‘sick’ face. I look like I just climbed up the pithell.
In a way, I start to eat healthily and exercise more. I learn to prepare my own meals. I cook my meals yo! Which is in fact healthier than eating outside. To make it better, it saves money. I become better and better in cooking (so wifey materials…hahaha) and yes, I can cook meals based on my own tastes and flavours.
Taking care of bills and doing (and actually sticks to) the grocery lists. I learn how to save up the energy usage so I wont get the heart attack when paying the bills.
Hmm… Whats else… The most important one is I can watch any TV programmes without someone judges my choices. Thats mean, if I want to do Luhan’s or Xiumin’s whole day, no one..and I mean NO one will know.
But again, I should get married. Wait, what? Haha…
I do not know what future hold for me. It is scary, I am being honest here. It is normal to be afraid, right? We, human feel afraid of unknowns.
I am terrified. What will happen to me? Who will I be? Where will be my ‘home’? Where will I end up to? With whom?
Since early this year, I was quite ‘close’ to this one person. Instead of feeling closer, all I think about is when will the last time we gonna talk to each other, whats gonna be our last conversation’s is all about. Deep down I realise, all I did these past months is planning my own escape to somewhere, beyond reach.
I even procrastinate my anger, sadness and in this case, rant.
Friends thought I am such a laidback person, rarely got angry. They do not know I am just too lazy to do that. So, PMS or not, I dont have one.
I AM TOO LAZY TO HAVE PMS.
I frequently flying in/out of KL twice every month but I rarely look out ober the small window due to my uncomfortable feeling towards altitude/height. I am not sure if I have acrophobia, yet to be discovered.
First time I really look over the sky was few days ago, enroute from KL to Kuala Terengganu via Malindo Air. These was the view from 10A seat on that 5pm flight. The flight was delayed for half an hour due to the bad weather in Subang airport.
I… Hmm… Do not have reason for my M.I.A. I just got lazy and lost.
I just celebrated my birthday almost a month ago and I have totally no idea what to do with my life. Nah, I just feel that I am losing something somewhere in the middle of the road, and it is not even past first quarter of the year. I just hope the rest of my year is sailing smooth.
Boyfriend? None. It is not that I do not want one, heck I dream a blissful marriage in future, but… I can not afford for another heartbreak and I am running out of tears to accompany that. I am not cold- numb- shitless person but I am building wall to guard myself up. It is different between wanting and chasing the one you love. I might love someone and want him, but I will not chase him. No more.
Future? I do have one. It is full of beautiful things and infinite loves. I might stumble here and there but I believe Allah will be my guidance throughout the way, the best Planner of all. I believe I am going to where I am supposed to be. I have lost a friend already and yes, selfishly speaking, I feel nothing. All I care about is my own happiness. You want to talk to me, you come to talk to me. You want to ignore me, I am not losing anything. I do not owe my happiness to anyone. I am the one responsible for my happiness. Not you. And no one else.
Allah is the BEST planner.
Everything happens at the right time with the right person for the best reason. I want to have faith in that. And I want to have faith in my ownself. I might not totally 100%-ly love myself yet but I am going that way now. Please bear with me.
All I need is good words from all, positive vibes and endlessly loves.